This is based on a whole decade of dating and stupid mistakes on my part. Unfortunately we were all young, naive and foolish (at least) once.
RED FLAG 1:
He does not introduce you to his friends, and more importantly, to his family ESPECIALLY his parents. If after a few months of dating, he has not brought you home & introduced you to his family, and does not seem to have any intention to do so soon in the near future, its very likely that he has no plans to do so, ever.
Because you’re not in his long term plans and you’re most likely just a disposable plaything until the next
girl plaything comes along.
Dont buy into this, and PLEASE….
Never make excuses for a man. He is plenty capable of doing that, all on his own.
RED FLAG 2:
He cannot add you on Facebook, for whatever reasons.
People add people on Facebook all the time, heck I even have people on Facebook whom Ive never met in real life. They are merely there for networking purposes, and have minimal access to my profile.
If he cannot add you on Facebook (or any other social networking platforms), it means that there is someone (read: his girlfriend or wife) in there, whom he doesnt want you to know about, and VICE VERSA. There is simply no other explanation.
Dont buy that bullshit if he claims he doesnt have a Facebook account. Even grandmothers, toddlers and DOGS these days have Facebook/ Instagram accounts.
No Facebook? Sure no problem, you two can just be VERY GOOD FRIENDS. (Read: no sex) Its very simple. :D
RED FLAG 3:
Smoke and Mirrors.
If you tag him in Facebook posts and the only people who are “liking” and commenting are all your friends and none of his, it only means one thing:
He adjusted his privacy settings such that he has to approve tagged posts of him, before they appear on his timeline, and he has chosen NOT to approve the posts you tagged him in.
Why? Because he doesnt want anybody on his Facebook to see your tagged photos of him.
This is a huge red flag.
I once dated someone who updated his relationship status to “In a Relationship” with me. It was odd though that NOBODY liked his post. Not a single one of his friends. On my side of things however, I had dozens of “likes”. Posts like a new relationship naturally get PLENTY of likes.
Dont get me wrong, I dont give a rat’s ass about Facebook “likes” and comments.
What this means is that he had specifically adjusted his privacy settings such that I was the only person who could see his status update and relationship status.
There is no reason to be so shifty and secretive, if you genuinely love someone and is proud to be their partner. Needless to say, that relationship did not last very long and he was even dating other people before we ended our relationship.
Also, if you are the only one who tags him and he never ever tags you in any post EVER, it probably also means he is reluctant to let others (read: other girls) know that he’s taken and he’s not officially off the market. Caveat emptor!
RED FLAG 4:
He is miserly and/ or calculative.
A man who is stingy and calculative when he’s with you, is definitely not serious about you.
If a man sees you as a potential life partner, he will never be stingy or calculative towards you. He wants to impress and pamper you, your happiness and comfort will be some of his top priorities. A man would never ill-treat the possible future mother of his children. Even if he does not want kids, he is a MAN- the huge ego is part of the package. He wants to impress the woman he loves.
I had an ex-boyfriend who made me pay him $0.30 for a plastic ruler he had helped me purchase at Popular bookstore. 30 cents!!
We only ever watched ONE movie throughout our entire 2 year relationship (yep, on the first date), because he said movies are “too expensive”. Another ex-boyfriend complained the whole way home after dinner with me, because that dinner cost him a whole week of $2 chicken rice.
Dont laugh, this is a true story.
And yet he was surprisingly generous with throwing hundreds & hundreds of dollars on alcohol very frequently…… when there were some of his “stewardess friends” around. It was even more odd when one of those “friends” had to go to the ladies, and he followed her, claiming that he wanted to “make sure she was safe”. Wow, how gentlemanly eh.
When we left the club, I asked him,
“So let me get this straight- you accompanied X to the ladies to ensure she was “safe”, but you left YOUR GIRLFRIEND *points at myself* at the bar, to get harassed by other men?” He couldnt answer me. I suppose my safety was less important, because I not stewardess mah.
I ended up dumping him some time later, because I found out he had been flirting with random chicks on some online forums. What am I- DEAD??
Dont be that woman dating a cheap bastard, thinking he’s “thrifty”. He will happily spend on another woman he likes and wants to impress.
RED FLAG 5:
He is unreliable and flaky.
He does not call when he says he will, he doesnt reply your messages or claims he never saw them. You can see that he’s active on Facebook (or other social media), but your Whatsapp messages mysteriously go unread for hours.
He basically just doesnt give a shit.
He breaks dates often and “flies your aeroplane” frequently. He says he will do this or that but never does. He blows off plans with you, to hang out with his buddies instead. He always leaves you hanging, uncertain if you’ll be meeting him.
All these means that he does not care about your feelings and that he is okay with disappointing you. Not a good sign.
RED FLAG 6:
He is passive and lazy.
He never seems very keen to spend time with you, or make effort to please you. He hardly calls or texts you. He takes hours to return a call or reply your messages. Especially when you can see that he has checked his Whatsapp, but somehow chose not to reply your message. Every time you request for a favor- big or small, he does it begrudgingly and reluctantly. He appears wary of being taken advantaged of, and has to state his boundaries very clearly to you, to manage your expectations of him. This way, he’ll never have to invest much effort to string you along until he gets bored and moves on.
For example.. I had an ex-bf who had to kindly remind me that he is not my chauffeur, after attaining his driving license. And told me that I should not expect him to send me home after dates, because its not his “obligation”.
Ah right. Fucking noted. Its not my “obligation” to date you either, you lazy POS.
Men are hunters, by instinct. If he wants you, he WILL. HUNT. YOU. DOWN. “Busy” is simply a convenient EXCUSE cooked up by a man who is simply not that interested to spend his time with you. If he is truly in love with a woman, free time will magically appear.
Every girl needs to read “He Is Just Not That Into You.” by Greg Behrendt. This book is such an eye-opener. Its written by a man who used to be a player, and its brutally honest and refreshing. Women tend to be too nice, too forgiving. We LOVE making excuses for people we like.
I personally think it is tragic when a woman wastes all her good childbearing years and precious youth on a man who doesnt care about her and never will. No amount of money can buy back all the lost years. Hence, a woman investing her time and her youth in a man, is the most hefty investment anyone can make.
I only ever regretted wasting too much time with someone who wasnt worth my time, so now my mantra has become:
If in doubt, DUMP HIS ASS.
If a man truly loves you, YOU. WILL. KNOW. You wont have to wonder at all. If you’re doubting his intentions half the time and you’re not really happy, I can assure you that you’re most likely (99.9999%) wasting your time.
RED FLAG 7:
He gets very sensitive about you looking at his things, especially his PHONE.
I had an ex-boyfriend who had to delete ALL his texts (both inbox AND outbox) before showing me his phone. I know because there were ZERO messages in both his message inbox and outbox, strange isnt it? (I honestly just wanted to check out Blackberry’s software, because I was contemplating between Iphone or BB.)
Needless to say, I discovered why…….a few years too late.
The ONLY thing I regret now is not loving & respecting myself enough to walk away from that relationship sooner.
RED FLAG 8:
Sudden change in behavior. Or suddenly an asshole.
If he started out extremely sweet, caring and attentive, but then all of a sudden his behavior changes, you should be wary. It usually means he’s got his eyes on someone else.
If he never wears cologne or goes to the gym, but suddenly he starts doing all these things, it means he’s trying to look sexy and appealing to someone else.
If he starts behaving like an asshole, he is trying to get YOU to break up with him, because he doesnt want to be “the bad guy”. Men do this all the time. Instead of breaking it off, they think its better or “kinder” to just treat the girlfriend like crap for a while, until SHE gets sick of it, and ends it. Then he can simply shrug and move on.
By then it could have dragged on for months or even a year or more, because women tend to be SUPER forgiving and patient when it comes to men they love. I know it all too well. And the longer you’ve been with the guy, the harder it is to break it off, because you go like, “Aiya.. we’ve already been together for x years leh….”
Guess what. It doesnt matter. They dont care. Men dont usually get sentimental over such shit.
Also, if he doles out crap and you just take it, he loses all respect for you. He will never tell you that. But if you continue to stick around, despite his lame excuses and last minute BS, it only means you love him so much, you are willing to take whatever crap he does, and you will take all his shit, no matter how shitty.
(LOL, NOPE DONT THINK SO BUDDY.)
Unless you want to be miserable, you need to prove him wrong. Unless he has a magic dick which ejaculates cash, he is REPLACEABLE. No one is that fucking special.
So my suggestion is, give him the benefit of the doubt the first time you notice something off. Maybe he’s cranky. He might just be having a bad day or week. No reason to be an unreasonable bitch.
BUT, if it happens more and more regularly or gets worse over the course of a couple of weeks (1 month TOPS), DUMP HIM. He’s either into someone else or he just plain doesnt want to be your boyfriend anymore, for whatever reasons. You dont even need to care why. People change.
If you recognize these red flags, and your boyfriend is displaying most (or all!) of these shitty behavior, I suggest you kick his sorry ass out the door asap. He does not deserve any of your love and affection.
Be kind, make sure there is nothing blocking the path on his way out. :)
Are you seated? Here’s something every lady needs to know:
We dont need men to love us.
We can love ourselves. Mind you, that is the BEST KIND OF LOVE. It is rock solid, unwavering, and true. Nothing a man can give you, will ever top this love you give to yourself. It is priceless.
You deserve nothing less than wonderful. We all do. Dont accept mediocrity.